Monday, May 31, 2010

the (forty)seven virgins

There are only 47 surgeons left in Zimbabwe, a newspaper reports, quoting the local college of surgeons.

I decide to put a quick 'phone call through to a local specialist to see if he'll comment.

"Only 47 what left in Zimbabwe?" queries Dr G.

"47 surgeons, so they're saying. Isn't this evidence of how bad things have got here?" My voice tails off. Maybe 47 isn't such a bad number after all. Maybe there were only 49 to start off with. Maybe I don't have the slightest clue what I'm talking about.

"47 what?" he repeats. 'Phone connectivity is notoriously bad in Zimbabwe: today's it's even worse than normal.

"Oh, surgeons." He sounds relieved. "I thought you were asking me to confirm there were only 47 virgins left in the country."

Monday, May 17, 2010

love you

"I love you," the man sitting on the wall by the state TelOne office shouts as I go past. " I do."

"I love you."

His voice floats behind me like an echo.

"Serious."

"Really," I want to say primly. "I am 37 (help!, how did that happen?) and you, young man, do not have a clue about love. Besides, you don't say serious, you say seriously."

What I do is swap my shopping basket to the other hip and stride to my (mother-in-law's) car.

I am getting old, I fear.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

central locking

A dollar is hard to come by, Zimbabweans say. So here's one incredibly inventive way a spurned Zimbabwean woman has devised to raise 2,000 dollars: lock your lover.

Central locking can be a delicate problem in Zimbabwe, when it's not the car-kind. In a country where many still believe in witchcraft -- or versions of -- central locking can be a useful safety feature of a sexual relationship. If you don't want your man to stray, just lock him. He won't be able to perform with anyone else.

But what happens when you forget to unlock him?

That's the problem Malvin Herbert Muchirahondo of eastern Zimbabwe is grappling with. He says his ex, supermarket till operator Precious Mushati, "locked" him while they were in a relationship last year. He went back to his wife (with whom he had a second child whilst still in a relationship with Ms Mushati) but found he'd been "locked": he couldn't sleep with her. He blames Ms Mushati.

Half-page photos of Mr Muchirahondo and Ms Mushati have been splashed across the local weekly for the last three weeks. Each time it's the same photo. It's a picture taken in winter, judging from the fleece he's wearing. Ms Mushati has a short wig. She's looking down, away from the camera. He's got his arm round her and they both look.... happy.

To begin with, Ms Mushati denied she'd locked her ex. Then -- scenting an opportunity (cashiers earn around 120 US per month) -- she said she could unlock him. At a price, of course: 2,000 US. That's small change for the Supas of this world, no doubt, but not for everyone else.

The case has aroused huge interest locally: readers have texted in to give Mr Muchirahondo their advice. "It's sad, but it can be reversed," one reader promised. I notice that the latest "locking" article in the Manica Post advises that he try 4 cloves of raw garlic a day.