the colic remedy

"She's a screamer, your daughter," says S.

"Have you tried putting her on your back?" asks S's mother.

I haven't, not yet. Not that I wouldn't, but I worry that I wouldn't tie the blankets right and she'd come crashing down. We talk -- in the flickering light of a candle, this late Sunday afternoon -- of babies, their babies, my new one, nappies and nappy rash cream and colic... Colic. My mother Fedexed two bottles of Infacol, the UK remedy, when the baby's colic was at its worst. The local remedy is:

"Half a cup of cooking oil. You boil it, then leave it to cool. Then you give her a spoonful. It's an old remedy, but it works," says S's mother.

bottom enhancers

"They're called apetitos but they enlarge one's butt," texts Tadiwa. I've just read about Zimbabwe's latest craze -- bottom-building pills -- and sms'ed her worriedly.
The pills are called Super Apetito, Power Apetito and General Apetito. They're smuggled in from Angola and Mozambique and -- according to Kwayedza, the Shona-language daily -- they're selling like hot cakes. Zimbabwe is, after all, a country where a recent survey concluded "men are looking for women with huge behinds." (You can count me out then, and probably Tadiwa, since she fits into my cast-off Paris trousers)
At around 60 pence a packet, the pills are eminently affordable, even for working girls struggling to get by on Zimbabwe's standard monthly salary of less than £120.
But there are side-effects: sleeplessness, strange gait (one woman said her client was now "walking like a crab") and goodness-knows-what-else in the future. Local doctors are urging women to stop buying them but it's an uphill struggle: the standard wolfwhistle here translates to (and I've got this on state media authority): "This woman is very attractive, she wiggles."
"Don't use those pills, girl," I text Tadiwa. "You've got a beautiful figure."
She doesn't reply.

central locking

A dollar is hard to come by, Zimbabweans say. So here's one incredibly inventive way a spurned Zimbabwean woman has devised to raise 2,000 dollars: lock your lover.

Central locking can be a delicate problem in Zimbabwe, when it's not the car-kind. In a country where many still believe in witchcraft -- or versions of -- central locking can be a useful safety feature of a sexual relationship. If you don't want your man to stray, just lock him. He won't be able to perform with anyone else.

But what happens when you forget to unlock him?

That's the problem Malvin Herbert Muchirahondo of eastern Zimbabwe is grappling with. He says his ex, supermarket till operator Precious Mushati, "locked" him while they were in a relationship last year. He went back to his wife (with whom he had a second child whilst still in a relationship with Ms Mushati) but found he'd been "locked": he couldn't sleep with her. He blames Ms Mushati.

Half-page photos of Mr Muchirahondo and Ms Mushati have been splashed across the local weekly for the last three weeks. Each time it's the same photo. It's a picture taken in winter, judging from the fleece he's wearing. Ms Mushati has a short wig. She's looking down, away from the camera. He's got his arm round her and they both look.... happy.

To begin with, Ms Mushati denied she'd locked her ex. Then -- scenting an opportunity (cashiers earn around 120 US per month) -- she said she could unlock him. At a price, of course: 2,000 US. That's small change for the Supas of this world, no doubt, but not for everyone else.

The case has aroused huge interest locally: readers have texted in to give Mr Muchirahondo their advice. "It's sad, but it can be reversed," one reader promised. I notice that the latest "locking" article in the Manica Post advises that he try 4 cloves of raw garlic a day.

squirrel for supper

"Mum, Audrey has eaten the squirrel," he says.

We have black squirrels in our garden. To be honest, I don't like seeing them there. The cats try to kill them and they're mamba-prey (ie mamba-magnets). I'd rather the squirrels were in somebody else's avocado tree.

My son learns a lot from his Shona friends. Vocabulary, for example. Audrey, Sam and I went walking last night as the power cut deepened. The moon was rising, oversized in a blue-satin sky as only an African moon can be.

"Look, Mai Sammy," Audrey said. "It's mwedzi." One more word to chalk up, for me and for Sam.

He picks up good manners too. Audrey and he collect firewood for me, late in the afternoon when the sun has dried the branches. "She'll make a good daughter-in-law," Mai Bruce laughs. Shona culture advises that couples marry vematongo (from the same 'ruins', the same place). How does that work when you both come from the same geographical area but you're black and white, I wonder?

Another thing he's picking up is what Audrey calls Shona medicine. This morning Sam took me to see a tiny weed with a pink stalk. "You use it when you have a sore eye," he said, showing me the milky sap that prickled from where he'd pulled it off at ground-level. "Gogo (granny) uses it," Audrey said proudly.

Feeling virtuous I led her to our aloe vera. I've used the jelly-like sap on burns before. "This is a good plant too, isn't it, Audrey?" She sniffed. "For chicks, yes," she said. She meant the feathered kind: huku.

He's learning good things, then. Still, squirrel and sadza for supper makes me feel rather squeamish.

how to find out if someone's been murdered

If you find a drowned body:

- get six eggs and a clean plate
- place them next to the pool where the drowning occurred
- if you can't get to the pool/river, collect water from it in a bottle and put the bottle next to the eggs
- leave the eggs
- if the death is accidental, the eggs will be unbroken when you return
- if the victim was murdered, the eggs will be smashed

with thanks to the Manica Post Feb 12 2010

how to keep your love alive

...Zimbabwe-style. Musician Dino Mudondo's been spilling the beans on his 'spiritual wedding' with local woman Cecilia Dapeta earlier this year. The pair went to a n'anga or prophet in Marirangwe. He got them to hold live pigeons ("just like the pigeons that never leave each other, we would never leave each other's side") and to catch and swallow -- while still alive, of course -- a fish apiece. The n'anga told the pair that swallowing the fish would ensure that their riches would multiply ("just like the countless eggs that fish lay").

After countless fights, Mudondo's just been slapped with a 14-month jail sentence for the physical abuse of Dapeta. She too got a suspended jail sentence.

earwigs

remedy for ear-ache:

Crush a cockroach ("it has to be a large one") until "the white stuff" comes out. Mix in a small amount of cooking oil. Pour down ear. "It really works," T says.